Just coming out of my sit today, and one thing that popped up was how fast these past 6 months went, and how more real it is becoming that my journey with the MKE is coming to a close. It is not coming to an end, however, just a close.
I have to be honest, it’s a little nerve racking to me to think about that. You see, I’m scared. I’m scared that I will not keep my promises to myself, that I will stop trying to be the man I intend to become. That I will continue to cheat the guy in the glass. That I will always struggle to find or doubt my true Dharma. These 6 months have been difficult, challenging, exhausting, rewarding, confusing, moments of joy and aha’s, moments of doubt and unworthiness, moments of “why is this so difficult to grasp”.
I keep asking myself if I gave it my all. Did I truly dig in 100% and go for it. Did I truly live by the compass and follow my heart. No, not all the time. Perhaps that’s why my fears and doubts are still there. My Guilt. My Unworthiness. We had an interesting conversation on my tribe call about these two words, along with Fear, Anger and Hurt Feelings, and how to turn those into a positive. Which takes some work for sure. We also discussed the extended silence, with a few of us that have completed it, and a few who still need to (myself included). I really hope I can get some answers during that period. I hear and read so many comments about what it has done for them. I’m nervous, but excited as well.
But you know what? I then think to myself about who I was 6 months ago compared to now. I am a different person. I have a different perspective on life in general. I even increased my self directed score sheet by 21 points! Imagine that! I wouldn’t have 6 months ago. There is a lot of things about me that are present today that wasn’t 6 months ago.
The most exciting thing to me about all this. What I am most thankful for than anything.
I did it. I completed the entire course. I made a promise to myself 6 months ago, and I have kept that promise. Many members departed from the beginning and all the way up until now. For all the members that are left, wherever you are in your own life, and your own hero’s journey, we did it.
I did it!
I am a changed man. I can only move forward and grow on that. Dig in on my own. Be my own accountably partner and not rely on weekly webinars and honorable and tangible tasks. Self Direct my thinking on my own, and follow my own compass. That journey has already begun for me, and although my old blue print wants to compare where I’m at with everyone else, I now know that I have no one else to compare to. Only the guy in the glass. I am where I am supposed to be right now, and I will be where I intend to be tomorrow.
I’m excited to see what the next 6 months brings until the start of the next session! Yes, of course I will be doing this again….duh! As a guide? Perhaps. For me though, I’ve realized that although I have changed in many ways for the better, my journey is just beginning and I still have some architectural work to do for my bridge. I still have a lot of “ME” to work on.
Do I feel guilty about that?
Nope. Not any more………
I Celebrate it!